


The Five Times Sirius Lost (And The One Time Remus Did)

by waywardrogue



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, stupid cute, then sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2015-04-30
Packaged: 2018-02-21 20:23:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2481248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waywardrogue/pseuds/waywardrogue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius and Remus have an unspoken competition- to not fall in love.  Developing feelings in a time of war is not only dangerous, but it can be damaging, and with both of their backgrounds, it's even more of a tightrope walk above a pit of vipers. Even still, the inevitable happens- and fives times, Sirius tries to tell Remus that he's lost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jaded at Seventeen (Summer 1977)

The first time he lost their game, it was after a rather epic chase with some muggle cops that had been interrupted by three Death Eaters. It was the summer of 1977, James and Sirius had been out on his motorcycle when they got caught up being chased by two muggle cops. It was all in good fun until the Death Eaters showed up, and he and James had to throw the car into the Death Eaters. The muggles were fine, of course, but the entire story was on the muggle news.

 

Unfortunately, the muggle news reached their friends before they did.

 

When they walked in the door, both with adrenaline still pumping, Sirius with a laugh and shaking hands and James patting him on the back, commending his “absolutely excellent” driving skills, they were surprised to find Sirius’s flat not quite deserted. Remus was sitting on the couch, looking a little paler than usual, and Peter was sitting on the floor, leaning back-

 

But Peter jumped up when they entered- only Remus was faster.

 

“What is wrong with you two?!” Remus demanded, and James and Sirius exchanged a look. “Getting into a chase with the police?!” Remus plowed right on, not giving the duo a moment to answer. “Throwing a car into Death Eaters?! And don’t try to tell me you didn’t, I listened to the news just because they don’t realize that’s what you did doesn’t mean I  don’t.”

 

“Oh come off it, Remus, at least we’re alive,” James replied, waving the werewolf off and going to the spare room, where he was intending to crash that night. Peter toddled after James- and Sirius mentally cursed his luck. He locked the door behind himself, shrugging off his leather and hanging it up there by the door.

 

“Well?” Remus prompted expectantly, arms folded, a frown on his face as he watched Sirius.

 

The older Marauder sighed. “What do you want me to say, Rems? It wasn’t like we meant to get into the chase. Good thing we did though, those Death Eaters were shooting to kill…” Not that he wanted to make Remus feel bad, he was just pointing out there were worse things in the world than a vehicular chase with a muggle car.

 

But it wasn’t the right thing to say. Remus made a noise in his throat, dropping his arms with a “fine”. He was angry, and Sirius tried to see his view on it, he did, but he just couldn’t. He turned his back on Moony, moving into the little kitchen and making some tea. He was tired now that the adrenaline rush was subsiding.

 

“Remus,” Sirius didn’t look back as he started speaking again, his voice soft.  

 

“What?” Annoyance still dotted his lover’s tone.

 

“...I didn’t mean to worry you. We just-- we reacted in the moment.”

 

“I.. I know, Sirius.” Remus was beside him, then was taking over making tea, taking it from Sirius. “...I’m glad you’re safe.”

 

Sirius smiled slightly, wrapping his arms around the other teenager’s waist, his chin on Remus’s shoulder. “You know… It was kind of scary for a bit,” he mumbled, pressing an open mouthed kiss to Remus’s neck, earning a little moan from the other marauder. “Wasn’t sure what those Death Eaters were gonna do…”

 

Remus finished what he was doing-- and twisted in Sirius’s grasp. Which was just what Padfoot had wanted- he pulled Remus into a fierce kiss, that was more teeth clacking and tongues tangling than anything else. Things escalated quickly from there, they barely made it to his room and completely forgot about putting up any silencing charms (much to James’s mortification).

 

Afterwards, they were laying there, naked and spent, when Sirius turned on his side, watching Remus for a moment before he opened his mouth to speak. “Remus, I-- I need to tell you something.”

 

“Mmhm.” Remus just hummed in response, his eyes closed. Sirius watched him with such a loving gaze- watching the way his chest rose and fell, the scars that shifted with each movement. This is ridiculous and he’s too beautiful and why am I doing this-- Silence stretched on for a good minute, long enough for Remus to open one eye and look over. “Sirius? You were going to tell me something?”

 

Brought back to the moment- away from fading freckles, on his shoulders and nose, on his chest, Remus is really just too much- Sirius cleared his throat.

 

“Oh. Yeah. That.” The words were there, right there on his tongue and he just shook his head and he couldn’t do it. He kissed Remus instead, wishing more than anything that the other teenager would understand, just desperately needed for him to know without Sirius saying it. Another few kisses and the conversation was forgotten for a while.

 

“Stay tonight?” Sirius muttered finally, stroking through Remus’s hair. The other lad laughed softly.

 

“Thought you’d never ask,” he teased. Sirius grinned.

 

“I got distracted.”

 

Remus rolled his eyes. “Whatever. We forgot about the tea.”

 

“I’ll clean it up in the morning.” But Sirius slid out of bed, if only to go turn out all the lights. Then he was back, and nuzzling into Remus. Remus curled into Sirius, his eyes closed again, and Sirius waited. He listened for even breathing and he waited, watching for signs that Remus was asleep.

 

“Remus?”

 

No response.

 

“...I think I love you.” Into the silence.

 

He had lost their unspoken competition to not get so damned attached but then he supposed he didn’t mind. It was love, it was terrifying and tempting and beautiful. It was love and he couldn’t keep fighting how he felt, he couldn’t keep denying it. And if Remus rejected him-- Well. It would be easy to be reckless enough to get killed in this war, no doubt about that. But Sirius-- Sirius had lost his nerve. And he needed to say it to Remus while he was awake and figure it out--

  
But for now, he said it, and without realizing it, Remus had heard it. It was part of a dream. In the morning it would seem so far away. Too far away, like it had never happened at all. 


	2. Only While You're Away (December 1979)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius received word of his brother's death, and it hit him hard. Life only lasts so long-- and he realized it was time to tell Remus the truth.

It had been a rough year. A very rough year. It was taking its toll on everyone. For sometime now, Sirius had seemed disconnected. Lily and James were over at his flat, along with Peter. Remus had told them he wouldn’t be able to show, and with Sirius having already been in such a mood.

 

Lily thought it would be nice to decorate the place, and they had a key anyway, so she and James showed up with some Christmas decorations and got to work. Sirius didn’t move from his spot by the window. His head was against the glass, the window was cracked because he was smoking- he seemed to be smoking more and more these days, up to a pack a day. He was aware of them talking quietly, Peter singing Christmas songs. Lily had taken a bit to make them eggnog, but Sirius hadn’t tried any. Why bother?

 

It wasn’t until after the tree and all the decorations were up that his attention was pulled away. James had come over and tugged Sirius up and away from the window.

 

“Come on, mate, it’s a time for joy.” He insisted, pulling Sirius to the tree. The eldest-- the last-- Black son tried to smile, but his heart wasn’t in it.

 

“Sorry, Jimmy,” he apologized softly. “I just… My mind’s not here.”

 

“So I could tell.” James pushed a cup of eggnog into his hands. “Drink! Be merry!”

 

Sirius sighed and shrugged, sipping from the cup. He could try to pretend, make a show of it for the sake of his friends, who only gave him worried looks. How could they possibly understand how he felt? It had always been difficult- Regulus and Sirius used to be so close, before school. Sirius should’ve tried harder to protect his brother, to keep him from falling in with those types--

 

And now…

 

Sirius sat on the couch, sipping from his eggnog.

 

A letter had arrived one day, out of the blue, scrawled in the messiest script he’d ever seen. It was Regulus’s handwriting. It wasn’t much, only a simple few words-- and then word reached him that his brother was dead--

 

Leaving Sirius as the only Black son. He sat quietly, not entirely tuned into the conversation at hand. Outside, it was snowing heavily-

 

A knock came at the door. It didn’t even register in his mind, his eyes unfocused. James was the one to answer the door, cheering when he found Remus on the other side. Remus looked tired, but he smiled, moving into the flat with a slight limp. Lily hurried to him, wanting to see the wound to help but Remus turned her down with a gentle smile. Peter too went to greet him- but Sirius remained off in his own world.

 

“He’s been like that for days,” James explained softly.

 

“We’ve come over every night and he won’t even eat,” Lily added, worry creasing her face.

 

“He barely even notices when anyone’s here.”

 

Remus listened to all their comments, nodding slightly. This was too much and he really didn’t have the energy to deal with it right now.

 

“Let him be,” he said finally. “He’ll come around.” And he moved back to what used to be the spare room, but as of the last year, was more of his room. It wasn’t that he moved in with Sirius, just-- he sort of unofficially had. He vanished into the back room, and Sirius hadn’t moved from the couch.

James and Lily left about half an hour later, after Peter had gone home. Sirius was still sitting there on the couch when they said goodbye, and he gave a noise in response. As James left, he turned out the lights, leaving only the soft glow of muggle lights from the Christmas tree. It was safer that way…

 

It was nearly midnight before Sirius moved- he stood up, going into the kitchen and finding the strongest liquor he had. He drank straight from the bottle, taking it back to his spot by the window. He lit up a cigarette again and sat there, smoking and drinking and watching the snow fall.

 

Sirius was nearly halfway through the bottle when Remus came out from the back room- he had showered and gotten ready for bed, listening for when his friends left.

 

“Sirius?” Remus’s voice was soft, gentle. When there was no response, he tried again. “Sirius.”   
  
The other marauder turned his head, blinking a few times. Quite sure he wasn’t drunk enough to be hallucinating, Sirius set down the bottle and got to his feet slowly. “Remus…? When did y’get in?” His words slurred. Okay, so maybe he was more intoxicated than he thought.

 

“An hour or so before everyone left. You were- zoned out. Are you alright…?” He stayed back behind the couch, expecting Sirius to stumble forward. But Sirius didn’t move. He just shrugged his shoulders and sat back down. Remus waited a moment longer, but when Sirius didn’t move, Remus walked over to him. He sat beside Sirius on the little window seat, taking his hand. Sirius looked over to Remus- then smiled slightly. He smelled of smoke and alcohol. Remus sighed, taking the bottle from his friend and taking a swig.

 

“Been rough, huh?”

 

Sirius shrugged again, leaning against the other marauder.

 

“Remus?”

 

“Mmhm?”

 

“Love you.”

 

The words could’ve-- must have been imagined. Incredulous eyes stared at Sirius then. “Come again?”

 

“I love you.”

 

“You’re drunk.”

 

“Doesn’t make it any less true.”

 

Remus shook his head, giving a chuckle. Sirius couldn’t possibly-- mean that, could he? “You’re most definitely drunk. I think we ought to get you to bed.”

 

“Only if you come with me.”

 

“Well, that might be do-able.” They moved on from it, Sirius was probably just babbling in his drunken stupor- and Remus couldn’t bear to get his hopes up. He helped the elder Black son to the bedroom, where they both fell onto the bed. Sirius started laughing, pulling Remus close and kissing him. It took a few attempts before Remus was able to pull back, shifting them and pulling the blankets up.

 

They laid there in silence for a moment, and then Sirius shifted and squirmed around- first tossing his shirt away, then jamming a cigarette between his lips and lighting it.

 

“Don’t smoke in bed!” Remus scolded. It was more out of concern for his friend than anything, but Sirius just laughed it off.

 

“Come now, Rems, I’m awrigh’.” Sirius didn’t seem concerned at all. Exhaling a cloud of smoke, he nuzzled closer. “...Sorry I didn’ welcome y’in…” he mumbled, pressing a kiss to Remus’s cheek.

 

“It’s alright, Sirius. I know you’ve been preoccupied.”

 

“Sorry ‘ve been mad that you’re gone…”

 

“It’s alright, Sirius.” He felt like a broken record player. “It’s fine. Shut up and go to sleep.”

 

“Remus.”

 

“Sirius, I said it’s fine. Please just try to sleep.”

 

“But Remus-”

 

“What now?” He was exasperated. Dealing with drunk Sirius was like dealing with a toddler. Or horny-drunk Sirius.

 

Sirius rolled over, hovering above Remus. “I meant what I said.” He looked sincere, leaning down and kissing the other marauder so lovingly. “I love you.”

 

“...I know,” Remus mumbled against his lips. Could he believe it? Dare he believe it?

 

Sirius flopped over beside him, closing his eyes. He put out his cigarette on the ash tray next to the bed. For a long while, there was silence between them. Sirius wasn’t drunk enough to stop the worrying thoughts and Remus was too sober to want to analyze what Sirius said. But then, ever so slightly, he curled into Sirius, and the older marauder reacted in kind. His arms went around Remus. Foreheads pressed together.

 

“I know.” Remus repeated softly, and Sirius kissed him once more.

 

“I lose,” Sirius’s mouth was on Remus’s jaw. Remus gave a short chuckle. Since when was this a competition? More kisses peppered the werewolf’s neck and collarbone, warm, rough fingers creeping up under his shirt and resting there.

 

Sirius fell asleep first, and Remus took the silence to whisper, “me too”.

  
What a twisted story they were. 


	3. If Only For A Moment (January 1981)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thanks to ShadowedMaiden, my lovely Lily, who offered to be my Beta! Thanks for fixing my silly mistakes, beautiful!

James and Lily had just had their son- Harry James Potter. Sirius was named the godfather. And Remus? He was so rarely around. Some of his stuff was still at Sirius’s. Things were getting rough. Suspicions were high-

 

Sirius hated this feeling. He hated no longer being sure of Remus, of himself, of anything or anyone anymore.

 

He left James and Lily’s late, and maybe he was a little inebriated as he drove his motorcycle home.

 

It took him a little longer than it usually would, and imagine his surprise upon arriving to find Remus sitting outside the door.

 

“You changed the locks,” Remus muttered bitterly, looking up.

 

“You don’t come home for weeks on end.” Sirius was drunk and angry- and it showed. He fumbled for his stupid muggle key- Remus stood.

 

“Sirius, it’s not intentional.”

 

“Sod off.”

 

“Don’t be like that!”

 

“I said sod off!”   
  
Remus was standing in the way of the door- Sirius shoved him. Remus shoved back. It escalated from there, blow for blow until both were sporting bruises and busted noses and black eyes. Remus had Sirius by the collar, pinned to the door when the neighbor down the hall (some blonde muggle who giggled whenever she saw Sirius) peeked out and asked if everything was alright. Remus gave her a smile, one hand covering Sirius’s mouth as he assured her it was fine. Once she had vanished back into her flat, the werewolf thrust his hand into Sirius’s pocket, easily locating the keys Sirius hadn’t been able to find in his drunken stupor.

 

Remus let the other marauder go, to fall to the ground.  He unlocked the door and stepped over Sirius, going inside and sinking onto the couch. They were a mess, weren’t they? Losing trust in one another--

 

Sirius stayed slumped in the hall for a good few minutes before he got up and stumbled into the room, vision still hazy from the alcohol and the beating Remus had given him.

 

“...Sorry.” He apologized first, falling onto the couch beside Remus.

 

“So am I,” Remus responded gently, getting up and retrieving ice for them both. “...I missed you.”

 

Don’t lie. Sirius looked up, smiling through the blood that still trickled from his nose. “...Me too.” Prove it. He wiped his face, leaving red smears. “...you’ve got a mean right hook.”

 

“I could say the same to you.” Remus handed him a plastic bag with ice in it. Sirius put the bag against the bridge of his nose. He winced slightly- that stung. The werewolf still stood before him for a moment, watching Sirius with a strange expression.

 

Sirius looked up, and neither of them said anything for a while, just eyed each other warily, as if waiting for the other to strike. Then, finally, Remus sighed, shoulders slumping. The war took its toll.

 

“I’m going to bed.”

 

He walked around the couch and toward the second room- it would always be his room it was always his room- and was at the door when Sirius called to him. Remus stopped and turned. “What?”

 

“Don’t… don’t sleep in there.” Desperation in his voice. “Sleep with me.” Sirius couldn’t stand doubting his friend, doubting this man that he once loved. Still loved. Would always love. Sirius was a wildfire, a rapid burn. Remus was much calmer than him. Remus couldn’t be the traitor, Sirius didn’t want to believe it-- but some part of him did and it made him wary and he shouldn’t have asked Remus to stay but he did and the words hung in the air like a curtain dividing them.

 

Neither of them spoke. For a minute, Remus didn’t move. Then, when he hadn’t said anything, Sirius got up.

 

“N-Nevermind. Forget it. Good night.” Sirius was across the room and disappearing into his own room before Remus could react.

 

The lights were out, silence enveloped their flat. Their flat. Their flat. Remus heaved a sigh. He went to his room, changing into his night wear. Sirius was- a headache.

 

Sirius had stripped out of his now blood spotted clothing and thrown on a pair of sweats and nothing more. Then he pushed open his window and climbed out onto the fire-escape. It was cold. His toes were cold. Every inch of bare skin was quickly going cold. He jammed a cigarette between his lips and lit up. He hated everything lately- he was finding it harder and harder to not be angry or bitter or distrusting. Even at James and Lily’s, he was nervous and unsure. He worried for his friends--

 

He was vaguely aware of his bedroom door opening- had Remus decided to sleep with him? But Sirius didn’t turn back.

It took Remus a moment to locate him- well, he smelled Sirius before he saw him. He climbed out the window to sit beside the other man. Not a word was exchanged. Sirius was sitting against the edge, with his legs hanging over the side- so Remus moved and sat behind him.

 

There were scars on Sirius’s back- from him. From Remus. Werewolves marks didn’t ever fully go away. Remus pressed kisses to the raised, whitened skin. It was a reminder, he supposed, that Sirius was his. And he was Sirius’s. Even with the issues they had, even if Sirius was the traitor--

 

His hands rested just above Sirius’s hips, drawing a little noise from the dark haired marauder. Remus knew all the spots to get a reaction out of his lover- if he bit Sirius’s hip or that spot on the back of his neck- the little moans, the swears, the sighs-

 

They knew each other, so why was there so much doubt and tension and fear?

 

They knew each other, so why were they so wary of one another?

 

Sirius and Remus stayed that way on the fire escape for a while, Sirius continuing to smoke through the pack, Remus occasionally bumming one off him and smoking as well. It was late before they finally went inside, and it was only by Remus’s prompting. Sirius was shivering against him.

 

“Let’s go to bed,” Remus said softly, before Sirius could light up another cigarette. He pulled away from the other marauder and climbed back in through the window. Reluctantly, Sirius followed.

 

Maybe he thought-- if he froze to death out there- but he couldn’t. Their side needed all the able-bodied hands they could get. So Sirius climbed back into the bedroom after Remus and followed the werewolf into bed, still shivering slightly. Remus pulled him close, holding Sirius. They laid awake beside each other for another hour before Remus’s eyes slid closed. He was ready to sleep-

 

When Sirius spoke.

 

“Remus?”

 

“...Yeah?” Why did they always have this conversation in bed? Remus knew what was coming.

 

“....How I feel. It hasn’t changed.”

 

“....I know.”

 

“....Even… with everything.”

 

“I know.”

 

Sirius nodded, then he pressed his lips to Remus’s. I love you. I still love you. I will always love you until the day I die. Those words never reached his mouth, but he wanted Remus to feel it too. The werewolf kissed back, hands on Sirius’s face. They kissed until they were breathless, then Sirius pulled Remus closer, tighter- He didn’t let go until morning.

 

But come sun up, Remus had to untangle himself, kissing the sleeping Sirius once more. He left their room grabbing the key to the flat as he went, and headed out. Sirius awoke alone.

 

That feeling-- it was a miserable one. Sirius dragged himself out of bed and threw on some clean clothing, mood completely ruined. There was no sunshine in his mind that day and he spent most of it on the couch, drinking. He should’ve been productive, he shouldn’t have let it bother him so much, he knew Remus was going to leave again-

 

But it hurt. It hurt and Sirius couldn’t handle it.

 

He didn’t leave his flat that night.

 

 


	4. A Scrap of Paper (August 1994)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another huge thanks to my beta, Shadowedmaiden! You're the best, doll.

Twelve years in Azkaban and Sirius Black was a changed man. Twelve years of torture, of misery, of self loathing of the worst kind. And with a lineage already prone to instabilities and insanity-

 

Sirius was rumored to be mad. Upon his escape, everyone thought him to be after Harry but no- he was to have his revenge.

 

But then that failed, and he was still a wanted man.

 

By the end of Harry’s third school year, Sirius was redeemed in the eyes of his godson, and was trying to make things right with Remus. Their last encounter… it had been less than pleasant, full of both distrust and heart break. And in their short reunion, Sirius had little more time than to apologize- but then, Remus did too. And maybe that should’ve fixed everything.

 

Sirius Black still loved Remus Lupin. That was what he needed to convey but never had the moment- not before they were separated again. And then Sirius was on the run, in hiding for safety’s sake. But it was alright because the people he cared most for, those still living anyway,  knew of his innocence.

 

It arrived by a colorful bird one August afternoon- Remus did not recognize the bird, and he found himself hesitant to take the letter until he noticed the scrawling across the front. Twelve years later and Sirius’s handwriting was still more or less the same.

  


_Moony-_

_Hoping this letter finds you well. I’ve taken refuge some place warm, it’s quite nice here. The kind of place we used to talk about going. Funny how one’s mind can recall such things, huh?_

_I don’t know if this will actually reach you, if I’m honest. Part of me hopes it won’t, if only because the things contained within are- ridiculously unlike myself, but if I don’t write them now I will spend the rest of my days regretting them. Twelve years apart has changed us both, I know. And I  suppose it would be a little crazy to say that I still feel the same for you as I always have, after all this time, but then I suppose I am more than a little crazy. Though I wouldn’t say I’m insane (even if the rest of the world argues otherwise)._

_But that-- that was my reason for writing to you, Moony. Twelve years apart and seeing you again, hearing you speak and knowing now that you forgive me for doubting you-- there were many feelings that came with that. But most of all, the realization that so long after the fact I still- love you. I am fixating, I know. How ridiculous that I should still be going on about this- I’m not expecting you to feel the same I just--_

_I wanted you to know that that never changed. It’s still yours, as it’s always been._

_I’m afraid I must keep on the move. I will see you again someday, dear Moony._

 

                                                                                      -Padfoot

 

Remus stood there, reading and rereading the letter. Sirius still felt that way for him? Sirius still-- loved him? What a ridiculous notion-- that warmed his heart and made him smile a bit. He rolled up the parchment and clutched it tight, not bothering to write back. Sirius had mentioned he half hoped Remus wouldn’t read it and--

 

Well…

 

Remus didn’t know how he felt. But back inside, he folded up the letter neatly and packed it in the bottom of his things. He didn’t have to answer- not now, not ever- and some part of him felt that was cruel but what would he say? ‘I feel the same way, but it’s nothing we should actively pursue’? Sirius was still a wanted man, and Remus was in and out of jobs and homes. It was a rough time, and he felt so much older-

 

But what he wouldn’t give to have their clumsy teenaged years back, with awkward first kisses and fire and passion-- With a soft sigh, Remus sat at the table, sipping at his tea. He thought for a long while before getting a quill and parchment and starting a letter back.

 

_Padfoot-_

_I thought long about whether or not to write back. Maybe spare you the embarrassment of knowing I’d gotten your letter… but I decided I would write you. And tell you the feeling is mutual and I would love nothing more than to have you come home to me._ (But Remus knew that wasn’t possible, and he stared for a moment, debating on scratching that line out.)

_I wish we could at least have some time together- outside of all this going on. I wish you could be here during those nights especially… I do so miss you, normally and then. I want to come find you now, and spend our days together…_

 

He knew that wouldn’t be possible though. Moony stopped writing, heaving a sigh. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t going to let Sirius see this. He folded up the letter and packed it in with the one Padfoot had sent. He was being irrational. But, he always heard love did that.

 

As if startled, Remus jumped. Love? Love did that? Well, he did admit to feeling the same, but the thought had surprised him nonetheless. He sighed softly, shaking his head. He must be half mad to be thinking things like that in a time like this.

 

Remus went about his business for the day- but he found his mind kept wandering, and by nightfall, he had dug out both letters, re-reading Sirius’s and trying to finish his own. Even though he was determined to not send it, if he got all his thoughts and feelings out now, it would stop plaguing his mind, wouldn’t it?

 

Oh how wrong he was on that. But Remus was skilled in the art of pushing unsavory thoughts to the furthest recesses of his mind- and he did just that with this situation. He would deal with it if the time came.  For now, he packed both letters away and got ready for bed.

 

Yet in his sleep he could not escape- and he dreamed of a happy life for him and Sirius, something so absurdly fictitious and strangely gratifying all at the same time. Come sun up it left him feeling a desperate longing, and before he was fully awake he was scribbling on a piece of parchment-

_Padfoot-_

_Full moon. Come home._

_-Moony_

 

It was small and short- but full of so much more, something else, and he just knew Sirius would understand. That he would rush to Remus on the full moon as a dog, and the wolf would be soothed by his companion.

 

He must’ve been out of his mind.

 

He sent the scrap of paper and hoped Sirius would get it and come home.

  
Oh how he hoped.


	5. Last Chance (May 1996)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my beta, ShadowedMaiden!

Sirius had been going stir crazy- god he loathed this damn house. The only solace was the occasional company of other Order members- particularly Remus. When Remus could stay for a bit, he would come up and spend some time with Sirius, though things never got further than a few- rather hot and heavy- kissing sessions.

 

It was one return at the end of April where Sirius had been blitzed out of his mind- and Remus had been the one to find him, utterly shitfaced and a wreck in his old bedroom. Remus pulled him up- gently as he could manage- and led Sirius back to the bathroom, cleaning up a few rather nasty cuts. He didn’t ask where they were from-- he had an idea but he didn’t want to know for sure. He didn’t want to confirm the sneaking suspicions that being here was- killing Sirius, and in the worst way possible. He wasn’t eating properly, he was angry and drunk in his solitude--

 

Remus wasn’t the only one to notice the other marauder’s behavior, but the only other person to care was Nymphadora, but she didn’t think it her place to say anything to him. Remus sighed-- it was probably better that way anyway. When Sirius was like this, he could be violent with little provocation.

 

With some struggle, he managed to get Sirius to sit still while he cleaned him up. Sirius would mumbled occasionally, but for the most part he remained out of it and quiet, swaying back and forth- enough that Remus put a hand on his shoulder to steady his former lover. They had managed to rekindle what they’d had, at least a little, since Sirius’s return- every touch, every time was just as fiery and passionate as always, with a sort of underlying desperation. The desperation, however, could’ve come from the lapses of time between their contact. Remus wasn’t entirely sure himself. But since returning to Grimmauld Place, Sirius seemed more and more shut off, more and more- disconnected.

 

It was worrying Remus more and more as time went on, but he didn’t often get to express this- and he didn’t want to nag his friend. So as the school year drew to an end, Remus tried to spend more time with Sirius, and he noticed quite the change. As May began, Sirius had managed to stop drinking as much and was becoming more like himself- jovial and entertaining.

 

The beginning of May brought a full moon- and Remus hadn’t intended to spend it at 12 Grimmauld Place, but Sirius insisted and he couldn’t help but give in. The beast that he became though-- it appreciated it more than anything. Because Moony was with Padfoot for the full moon and it felt like it had been far too long since the canines had been together. They mostly wrecked havoc about the house, in one of the spare rooms, destroying furniture and mostly playing around. And when the sun rose the following morning, both men were quite naked next to one another, and Sirius was the little spoon.

 

They slipped back to Sirius’s room and dressed, though the elder marauder couldn’t keep his hands off Remus. Remus had only just finished pulling on a shirt when Sirius grabbed his hips and pulled him close, kissing him hard. Remus made a noise in surprise against his lips, kissing back only after his brain kick-started into motion with the realization of what was happening. Warm hands slid up under the back of Remus’s shirt, fingers splayed against his spine, thumb stroking. Remus couldn’t suppress the shudder in time. Sirius broke away from the kiss, breathing heavily for a moment. A wide grin came to his face, but it was Remus who spoke first.

 

“I’ve missed you.”

 

“...I’ve been here, Rems.”

 

“I mean this you- this-- not… drunk out of his mind, bitter, angry-- just-- this.. us.” Wow had he always been so poor in articulating the way he felt? Well… yes, Remus supposed he had been. Even still, Sirius understood and the grin softened to a sweet smile, peppering light kisses over Remus’s face and neck.

 

“I’m sorry. I just-- hate being cooped up here… All alone.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I’m glad you’re here with me.”

 

“As am I, Sirius.”

 

Sirius’s teeth came down on Remus’s neck, drawing a surprised moan from the taller man. Sirius grinned wildly again, licking up the side of his neck, nipping at his ear.

 

“Sirius, please, I ache-”

 

“I can make it a good ache.”

 

Remus smacked his arm lightly for that one- but Sirius just laughed, soft and mischievous against Remus’s ear. He backed the other man into the wall, his hand sliding around Remus’s side and up the front of his shirt.

 

“Hey, I tried to give you the option last night,” Sirius pointed out.

 

“You’re impossible.” Remus rolled his eyes. “Sirius, I will hit you.”

 

“Already did, love. Let me have my fun.” Sirius pulled off the shirt Remus had only just put on, kissing his collarbone and nipping down his chest. He left little marks in his wake, working his way down until he was on his knees, kissing Remus’s hips. Each received rough bites and dark marks to mirror the opposite hip. Remus had a hand over his mouth-- but he couldn’t stifle the moans that escaped him, no matter how hard he tried. Sirius paused there, taking his time to open the other’s pants, looking up at him.

 

No matter how he looked at it, Remus was beautiful- gorgeous, even. Although anyone else would look at him and see him as a man who got old at too young of an age, Sirius knew better. Remus was- strong and brave, he was intelligent and he was passionate. Shimmying Remus’s pants down, Sirius pressed a kiss to the bulge straining against boxers.

 

The fact of the matter was, he was smitten with Remus and always had been. No matter what happened, his stupid heart had always belong to this brilliant man, and Sirius knew that would never change. Twelve years apart hadn’t destroyed the way he felt, and there was something to be said about his tenacity- or at the very least, the tenacity of his love for Remus. He felt fingers in his hair-- Sirius groaned as Remus tugged in just the right way. A symbol of impatience, and Sirius thought for a moment about teasing him… But ultimately decided against it.

 

So he pulled down the other marauder’s underwear and pressed a kiss to the head of Remus’s cock. Now, Sirius had been with other boys in his teenaged years, but no one could ever compare to the size of Remus. Not that Sirius ever said that, and he always assumed it was part in thanks to those werewolf genes in him. A noise from Remus- something akin to a growl- told Sirius he was taking too long, and Sirius chuckled softly, taking Remus into his mouth. He worked diligently, focused entirely on getting Remus over the edge. His hands were on Remus’s hips, but he didn’t stop the other man from bucking into him. Sirius worked hard until there was a tugging at his hair to signal Remus was getting close- and then he kept going. Remus moaned out his name as he was pushed over the edge, spilling down Sirius’s throat. His chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath, Sirius pulling off him.

 

“See? That’s all I wanted.” Sirius chuckled softly, pressing a kiss to the inside of his thigh. Remus ran his fingers through Sirius’s hair, all of his weight against the wall. Sirius got up slowly and led Remus over to the bed, falling onto it with him.

 

“You’re horrible,” Remus mumbled, curling into Sirius.

 

“The worst, I know.” Sirius smiled, nuzzling him lovingly. Remus just gave a noise in response- his body too worn out for much more. He ended up dozing off in Sirius’s arms, and Sirius stayed there, holding him.   
  
When Remus finally woke again, it was late in the day. He didn’t mind too much, and Sirius was still right beside him, which made it even better.

 

They passed quite a few days in a similar fashion-- together. At each other’s side, joking and laughing and genuinely happy. Tonks came over often in those days, and joined in on their jovial demeanor. It was an enjoyable time for them, despite the stress of the on-coming war. Sirius was ecstatic-- having his love there, having company.

 

It was late one night, near the end of the month- it was back to just Sirius and Remus, they were sitting in Sirius’s old bedroom, reminiscing of sorts, when Sirius brought it up.

“Remus, I-- We need to talk.”

 

“That’s what we’ve been doing, Sirius.”

 

“...Shut up, that’s not what I meant.”

 

Remus chuckled softly. “Right, right, go ahead then.”

 

Okay. Now or never. Sirius turned to Remus, taking his hand-- kissing his fingers gently. “Remus, I-- love you. I have always loved you, and-- I always will. There’s no doubt in my mind that you’re always gonna have my heart. And-- I know you, I know you and you don’t have to say anything back, I just- I want you to know this is how I feel. That it’s never going to change. I- will love you, until my dying day.”

 

Remus looked floored. Of course he’d known how Sirius felt, he’d known for ages. And he felt the same but there was no-- way-- what if- what if things fell apart the way they had so long ago? He wasn’t sure he could handle that sort of loss again. He shook his head, unable to convey any of this- he gripped Sirius’s hand and pulled him in, kissing him hard.

 

That night, they broke Sirius’s old bed.

 

It was only a few short weeks after that when Snape arrived with news of what Harry had seen- and they were off to the Department of Mysteries. Although it was short, the ensuing battle was exhilarating, to say the least-

 

Until, as if the world were in slow-motion, Sirius was hit. Remus watched in horror, and regret bubbled in his stomach before Sirius had even vanished- but there was no time for that. He grabbed ahold of Harry before the boy did something reckless, he played the role of the adult, of looking out for this boy who had every bit as much passion as his father had-

 

But inside, Remus’s heart broke. It was like lead in his chest, weighing him down and he couldn’t afford to focus on that pain now. He couldn’t deal with that loss, he-- had been so afraid they would be separated again but not like this, he never imagined-- never thought--

 

The next few days passed in a surreal blur.

  
He was only vaguely aware of a constant presence at his side-- Nymphadora. It would be a while yet before he could open up to her  but someday he thought he could.


	6. What Could Have Been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, my beta never really.... beta'd this chapter (life and all) so I'm posting it raw.

He should have known better. He should have said it back, he should have-- something. Remus raked his nails through his hair- it wasn’t right, it wasn’t right, it should’ve been Sirius’s hands, not his own there should have been something more, something--

 

Lost.

 

He lost. He had lost years before, and he had never had the courage to say anything. Remus heaved a sigh and curled up tighter. It was Sirius’s old leather jacket he wore, the thing was ratty and torn but still wearable. It still smelled of the marauder most recently deceased and he missed Sirius-

 

Why hadn’t he ever returned the sentiment? What caused the words to stick in his throat, what caused his stomach to churn and his mind to lose all rationality? It was a fear, surely, a fear of rejection but it must have been something more-- Sirius wasn’t going to reject him, Sirius had said on multiple occasions that he loved Remus, so why--

 

The noise that tore from his throat was primal, hanging in the air with the scent of alcohol and blood.

 

The full moon was rough. He went from one loss of self to another, drowning in booze.

 

This was hate. This was self-loathing. Undoubtedly, Sirius was the only man Remus would ever love, and now with his absence entirely-- at least separated, he knew Sirius was alive somewhere, somewhere, even in Azkaban, Sirius was still alive and the wolf in him knew what was his was still alive was still his and existing in this world, in his world even if an entire wizarding community separated the beasts--

 

Remus reached for the bottle blindly, found it empty and chucked it across the room. It shattered; he did not hear it. His mind was wrapped in thoughts and missed opportunities. How did I let this happen? It struck a chord that settled like lead in his stomach and he covered his face with his hands, digging nails- not short enough not right it wasn’t right this wasn’t right--

 

He did not realize he was not alone, not until there was a hand on his shoulder, tentative in case he pulled away but comforting and confident. He was not the only one to suffer through this loss, he knew, he knew but that didn’t make it easier. Remus was not a man who just opened up. Remus internalized everything. Perhaps it wasn’t the healthiest option but it worked and when it didn’t, he found other ways to cope. Turning tired eyes up, he saw Nymphadora- her face creased with concern, brows knit in worry. When their eyes met, she offered him a small smile.

 

“It’s okay,” she said, though the words took a bit to register through the haze not just induced by alcohol. “I know. It’s alright though.” The hand on his shoulder moved to loosen the grip he had on his own hair. “I know you’ll want to keep this to yourself but you don’t have to.” She was patient with him. This was a delicate process, there was no forcing Remus to open up- but Tonks did not mind. She took a hold of hands and when he pulled back, she let him. He was stubborn, he was hurt, and although she wasn’t entirely sure how to comfort him, she would do her best. So her hand was on his shoulder again, gently.

 

Remus didn’t say anything. How could she possibly understand how this felt? How could she possibly know she was too young, she didn’t-- didn’t-- the thought couldn’t finish. He buried his face in his hands. He wanted her to leave. No. He didn’t want to be alone. Of course. He wanted to be left to his own thoughts. Remus wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted, actually- he just let out a pathetic noise without meaning to, and Tonks stayed by him until she was called away. When she had left some time later, Remus wanted her to come back. She was a comfort to him, he realized, though they didn’t talk and he remained mostly upset.

 

Alone again, Remus sat up-- it was dark, late-- no… no, early morning. Standing on numb legs, he stumbled to the window and wrenched it open, staring out into the darkness. The stars twinkled at him, billions of lightyears away, the moon a dark blot in it’s new state against the sky. Remus clutched the window sill.

 

“I’m sorry-” He called out into the darkness. “I’m sorry, forgive me-” It was a pathetic plea, hoping somewhere, somehow Sirius would know, would hear- “I’m sorry, Sirius…” He hung his head, fingers curling tighter into the wood. He wondered, if he had said something-- if he had admitted it in the past, would they still have come to this parting? Remus sank to sit beneath the window sill, knees drawn, head in his hands.

 

Sometime during the next few months, the pain began to seem distant, and something else bloomed in his chest. Something for that- somewhat klutzy Hufflepuff who had become something more to him. Before long, there were other, more pressing matters at hand. Although there were times in there where Remus sorely missed Sirius, Nymphadora was there to comfort him and take his mind away from the self-depreciating, the blaming, the-- everything.

 

He loved her. He had fallen in love with her- and she was nothing like Sirius.

 

But even as his love for her grew, there was still part of him that still cared so deeply for the other Marauder who was long gone now. And as time carried on, Remus had to too. He and Nymphadora were expecting. War was coming. There was too much going on in his life for him to dwell any longer. The things happening around them were bigger than themselves, bigger than anything-- and would determine the future for not only them but their children, their children’s children and so forth.

 

The ending was abrupt. It wasn’t unexpected, Remus supposed, as he felt himself somewhere between here and there. It wasn’t like that hadn’t been a possibility- nay, a probability. It was war after all… Some part of him felt bitter for it, he wouldn’t be there for his son, he wouldn’t be--

 

“Remus!”

He recognized that voice, but it wasn’t the one he expected. He sat up-- he looked around. Running towards him, not just Sirius, but James too- and Lily- Remus couldn’t help but smile. Sirius extended a hand and pulled his old friend up- it was as though the years had never passed, everyone looked so happy, so young and free-

 

“About time! We’ve been waiting for you!” James laughed as he clapped a hand on Remus’s back. No sooner did his hand fall than Lily was hugging the werewolf.

 

“Thank you for everything, Remus,” Lily’s grip was tight on him-- trying to convey her gratitude for everything he had done for them and their son. Remus hugged her back, giving a light laugh.

 

“Of course, Lily. Of course. He’s wonderful.”

 

“We’re so proud of him,” James assured Remus as Lily let him go. She took James’s hand. “Come on, there’s much to see around here-” The two of them set off ahead, leaving Sirius and Remus alone for a moment, albeit unintentionally.

 

“Sirius-”

 

“...I’m glad you’re here,” Sirius cut him off, starting to walk ahead. Remus grabbed the other’s wrist, not letting him go. Not yet. Not again.

 

“Sirius, wait.”

 

“What?”

 

“I’m sorry. I should’ve said it then, I loved you, I loved you more than anything but I was scared--”

 

“It’s okay. I know, it’s okay.” Sirius sighed softly- even now, this wasn’t going to work out, he knew, but he pulled Remus close and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “It’s fine. Forget it. You lost. I know.”

 

Remus rolled his eyes. It wasn’t fine-- he wished he would have said something sooner. But Sirius was letting him go, was pulling away and Remus couldn’t think of anything to say. What could he say? If Nymphadora survived, then-- Remus would be here with his friends, but if she didn’t…  

 

He could handle that when the time arose. For now- he took Sirius’s hand. Was it wrong? He wasn’t sure. Sirius just grinned wide and squeezed his hand. This… could have gone better, they both supposed, but it could have gone worse.

 

“Come on. James and Lily wanna show you around.” He tugged Remus along, full of life and energy that had seemed lost in the years before--

 

Before what? The thought was gone just as quickly as it had come. He followed after Sirius, smiling. Well. Whatever. It wasn’t important right now anyway.

 

“You lost first you know,” Remus pointed out, and Sirius just gave him a bark like laugh.

 

“So I did. Glad you finally lost too.”

 

They could handle anything else that came their way-- and when Nymphadora showed up not long after, she was welcomed with open arms. Not just by Remus, but Sirius, and James, and Lily. She was quickly accepted with them-- and inseparable from Sirius and Remus from then on.

 

Perhaps it wasn’t a “happily ever after” ending, but it was a “happily”, and that was what mattered the most.

  
~Finis~ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow that was not the ending I had pictured from the get-go but hey it’s over and done and I hope y’all enjoyed it. Thanks for reading. 
> 
> Merry part ‘till we merry meet again.
> 
>  
> 
> xoxo  
> Ra


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